What's BEYOND THE WAND?.....After the Epic of Harry Potter

I am not sure where my son Josh was in Harry Potter's journey when it ended for him. I do know he was enraptured with the tale. Josh was struck by a car and killed at age 15 in 2002. Yet he left a profound legacy about living life fully and about facing death, in many ways parallel to Harry's legacy.

As the Harry Potter epic comes to a close with the soon to be released last film, for those of us who were enraptured by Harry and Co.....and even for those who were not engaged in the magic....you have to wonder, WHAT'S BEYOND THE WAND? Fortunately the tale of Harry Potter will continue its magic for mere muggles for a long time to come. J. K. Rowling bestowed a gift upon the world, a treasure of insights about the journey we call life.

So, what is BEYOND THE WAND? It ALL comes down to one word. Yet, each of must find what is most important to us in this world and likely in any world.

In this light, I thought it timely to share an excerpt of Beyond the Wand, a chapter from my forthcoming book, Rising in the Mourning: Embracing Life from Loss.

BEYOND THE WAND
…An Excerpt…

Author’s Note: July 31, 2007. I knew I had to wait until I completed Harry, until I reached the end of the epic. And so I did. My son Josh never had the opportunity to complete Harry’s journey. I can’t recall where he left off when he left us. Yet, I carried him with me to the end. And now I carry you with me as I continue my tale….

As I completed the epic of seven books, tears streamed down the skin of my checks. I felt loss alongside peace. Even happy endings are often coupled with grief.

While Josh never got to read the last of the Harry Potter epic, in some ways he lived it. Death was always at his door were he to have eaten a peanut, a nut or a shrimp. He needed a wand to curtail the opening of death’s door, an earthly wand in the form of an Epi Pen……its magic keeping him in our midst seven times.

Like Harry, Josh knew that death was a looming possibility. Without protection it could become a reality. Did his near encounters with death bring him more fully into life? Looking back, I know they did. Harry had the opportunity to contemplate and even savor life when its end seemed imminent. Josh’s final encroachment upon death gave no warnings the last time it came. There was no wand to save him from the car that struck him….so improbable an occurrence on a suburban sidewalk on a Sunday afternoon.

So, what would Josh have thought had he been here for more of Harry’s journey? What would he wish to convey to us now? Would he reflect on a story within Harry’s story about how humans are frightened of death? Is it leaving and losing those we love that frightens us most? Courageously, Josh fought fear in the face, triumphantly obliterating all but vigilance in his quest to become the master of his world. Like Harry, “his will to live had always been so much stronger than his fear of death.”

Must we experience near death through accident or illness to heighten our appreciation of our own beating hearts, as well as those of our fellows? Faced with dying, Harry contemplates: “Why had he never appreciated what a miracle he was, brain and nerve and bounding heart? It would all be gone….or at least, he would be gone from it.” Aside from our own brush with death, must we walk on the edge to embrace life with gentility, compassion and that most sought after emotion, love? Is there not a way to enrich our lives without having to meet, or even to fear, the shadow of death?

“Death was impatient.” J. K. wrote. Death can wait. Life is what is before you now. Are you breathing? Is your heart beating? Why let your mind hold you hostage from life and put you in the room of death’s contemplation? Harry’s deceased mentor, Dumbledore, tells him that “there are far, far worse things in the living world than dying.” Just read the newspaper or watch the news to get confirmation…..and find all the more reason to concentrate on the good things life has to offer.

In the end, Dumbledore goes on to tell Harry something Josh has taught me, “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” And so it is with heartfelt gratitude that I thank J. K. Rowling and Harry for connecting me to a magical world Josh loved and for confirmation of what is most important in any world…..love. Embracing love is the challenge that awaits each of us beyond the wand.

*All quotes are from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling.

© 2011. Nancy H. Rothstein

Today is a Beginning and Tomorrow Will Be Too….

”What is my password for my Blog?” Having to ask myself this question was indicative of my less than prolific dedication to posting on www.navigatewithnancy.com. Here I am today, with a commitment to a new beginning to invite you to navigate with me along life’s amazing journey. Many of my past entries, albeit select and few, have been connected to Josh, my son who was tragically killed 8 ½ years ago. So it is fitting that I write this post on April 15 to honor his birthday which arrives tomorrow. Sitting now on a runway with flight delays to return home gave me the perfect time to devote to my intended blog post for tomorrow. For the past 9 of Josh’s birthdays for which he was not physically present, the anticipation of April 16 arriving filled me with a sadness and sense of melancholy. I presumed that the primordial pull in my mothering heart would be an annual, perpetual experience….which I accepted as inevitable. Josh’s birthday would appear each year, a number without a birthday boy to blow out the candles or open an anticipated present. Yet, here I am surprised. These past weeks and days I have not felt the anticipated tug at my heart that I had come to expect each April. Why? What changed? How have I changed? I am in the midst of a transformation. Hence, I cannot yet fully describe the picture, but I can identify its genesis and where I am NOW….. It was the beginning of April when it occurred to me that I would honor Josh as his birthday approached by dedicating attention to him through recollecting fond memories, particularly focused on memories that were not in the bundle that tend to surface most frequently. Yet, as I began to do this, as if to Google memories from the 15 ½ years of Josh archives, I found it very awkward. I am not one to spend a lot of my thought time in the past – about anyone, alive or dead, or anything, experience or otherwise. So forcing myself, despite my loving and heartfelt intention to honor Josh, proved unnatural. And then, days or even weeks ago, I received a message….very clear in my awareness….from Josh. “Mom, I am RIGHT HERE. You can spend time with me NOW. There’s no need to go back to the past to bring me to your present.” And that IS THE PRESENT….Josh’s birthday gift to me. And as I write now, I realize all the more that I will not reach anyone or anything by going to the past. And now, once again, the crystal clear communication from my precious son brings me RIGHT WHERE I NEED TO BE – NOW. In this moment. Present in the present. Amazing it is that a darling boy who died on October 7, 2002 at age 15 ½ brings me smack dab to where EVERYTHING IS. Here. Right NOW! This is not the first time Josh has tapped at the window of my heart and reached the clarity of my mind to suggest that the past was not the most productive place for me to be to achieve my goal or best serve my intention. Last summer as I struggled to complete the manuscript for my forthcoming book, Rising in the Mourning: A Journey from Loss to Life, I was walking along the lakefront and spoke with Josh about how emotionally difficult it was for me to write the remaining chapters. I was sad. I was stuck. Reliving the anguish of Josh’s death and its aftermath was draining, especially writing about my daughters’ responses to Josh’s death. It was sad and painful to relive what they had to live through. And I was writing about them from my perspective. So, I was relieved and grateful to get their feedback after they read their respective chapters and told me that I had really captured their feelings and experience. For me this was further confirmation of the deep, deep connection of a mother to her children, as well as a testament to the power of love. And Josh, while no longer here on Earth, was about to reinforce just how close a mother is, eternally, to her child. Up until this point, the writing of the book was relatively easy and cathartic. It kept me connected to Josh and to my feelings, as well as sensitive to the experience of others and how I could share my story to help them navigate the challenges of loss and to rise to life. But I had arrived at a relative standstill. And then, in the Light of the day and the breeze of the wind, with the lake at my side, Josh conveyed to me this remarkable, life altering message: “Mom, you don’t have to relive the past. You have already lived it. You only need to OBSERVE it.” And there it was for me, clear as crystal. I NEVER had to live through Josh’s death again. I had already been through the anguish and the pain. He was giving me a Truth that was transformational. While I knew this already and lived/live in the present most of the time, in order to complete my book about my journey with and following Josh’s death, I had to go back in order to document my experiences. Somehow, at that point in the process, I had become vulnerably wrapped up in the past as if I were once again PRESENT there. And with Josh’s message, my perspective and my actions and my FEELINGS were transformed. Over the ensuing weeks, I completed the remaining 5 or 6 chapters with flow and peace. I learned that I could tap the past while present in the present. Today is yesterday’s tomorrow. Tomorrow will be today when I type this post of my Blog to honor Josh on his 24th birthday, but who is counting……Now all that matters is NOW, a new beginning. © 2011. Nancy H. Rothstein

Wherever You Go, Are You Really There?

Today at the beach I observed a young girl, 11ish, as she stood with her sequin studded cell phone. Glittering pink and silver, her one hand held it firm as she bent down to push sand with her free hand into the bucket with which her little brother was playing. Standing up once again, she walked into the water, her fingers maneuvering her phone, data likely scrolling across her screen. I suspect she didn’t want to miss a message from a friend. Maybe the friend was afar, or maybe her friend was just steps away on the sand as she texted her to come and join her in the water.

One thing was certain. She wasn’t really here at the beach.

Aware that my cell phone sat inches away in my backpack, I wondered why I didn’t leave it at home. I came to the beach with my daughter Natalie, looking forward to spending time together. My elder daughter was in New York with her boyfriend and his family. So who did I need to talk with from here to where they were at this moment? With the anticipation of talking to someone afar, could I really BE here at the beach? I had longed for this excursion all morning, all week in fact. My desire was now a reality. But was I really in the moment at the beach?

There is truth in the title of the book by Jon Kabat-Zinn, “Wherever You Go, There You Are.” But if you are gripping your cell phone anticipating the next call or text, are you really there when you get wherever you go?

The water beckoned. I turned off my phone.

Am I Celebrating?

It has been 6 years since Josh first communicated 17 Ways to Celebrate Life and I shared it as his birthday tribute. Each year thereafter, up until his 21st, Josh added a new way to celebrate life. (See the April 15, 2009 post below for 21 Ways to Celebrate Life.) Now, as another birthday…Josh’s 23rd …approaches, I remain committed to embracing life while it is mine, to being grateful for my many blessings and to be inspired by Josh. Along the way, there are moments of self reflection. One such moment came recently when thinking about Josh’s 21 Ways to Celebrate Life. I was struck with a question, “AM I CELEBRATING?” Until that instant I had not entertained this question. DOING any of Josh’s 21 ways is an act of honoring him but am I really CELEBRATING?

The answer was quickly apparent, catching me at the very essence of what I KNOW but do not always DO. By way of example, I selected one of the 21 Ways to Celebrate Life, #3. Run on the beach. Well, I was walking on the beach the other day. But was I REALLY engaged in the activity? Was I IN THE MOMENT, each moment? No, I was thinking about something I had to do or had done, or somebody….and the thought stream was endless. The “aha” moment followed….

Celebrating can ONLY happen IN THE MOMENT. What’s the rush to the next moment? And if I am in the past or the future as I have an experience, I never really have it. Reminder to self: LIFE HAPPENS NOW. To fully engage in any activity, to be fully immersed, I have to be in the moment, I have to surrender to what I am doing, feeling or thinking. That is where the celebration is found. That is where the magic of the moment is. Not in the past and not where I will be in a minute or two or tomorrow….but WHERE I AM NOW, at this instant. And this instant will NEVER come again. It is unique. Why would I want to miss it? And if it's not a happy moment or one of pleasure, the only way out of it is to go through it anyway. Knowing this motivates me to honor the now.

Another revelation came to me as well. The past happened and will not be repeated. Everything I already experienced was/is there, including Josh’s life. And Josh will not be physically in my future. But I can and do meet him IN THE NOW….when my awareness is fully in the moment. Maybe lately Josh has been coming to me in my dreams because I am not busy there. He can catch my attention in my dreams. And when he does, often very vividly, he talks to me and his expressions speak volumes. When awake, my mind is often active about the past and anticipating the future. At such times, I am missing the now…..until I catch myself and embrace the moment.

I must practice celebrating life consciously. I have a trick that helps me accomplish this and it works every time. I become aware of my breathing, in and out. And then, I become aware of THE SPACE BETWEEN my breath in and my breath out. I don’t hold my breath, but am just aware of that space. That is THE most present I can be. That is where and when I AM IN THE NOW. And that is where the celebration begins!

So, to honor Josh’s birthday this year and to CELEBRATE my life, I am going to practice making being in the moment a habit. What was already happened and I was already there. What will be has not happened so I can’t be there yet... NOW is THE only place to BE….and where celebrating life is possible.