Markers in our Memory..Lessons from 9-11

As the 10th anniversary of 9-11 approaches, the memories and sense of loss reverberate in America, and around the world. Each year since those horrid acts of terror, we remember. But somehow in years like the 5th, the 10th and in those multiples to come, there is a heightened tendency to explore the past and examine the path experienced by those most affected. We could not have had the same perspective about "the children of 9-11" just a few years after the tragedy in which parents were lost to the rubble and lives were forever changed. But with the passage of time, stories evolve and interest is sparked to learn from those who have suffered, survived and in so many cases thrived against all odds. Certainly those who have transformed adversity into meaningful ways to honor loved ones who died have inspired us with their courage to endure.

For those of us who observed 9-11 and the anguish of others....albeit overcome as well with a sense of communal grief...what have we learned over these past 10 years? Has our observation of acts of terror and the example set by survivors, heroes who risked their lives to save others and the families who have marched forward with dignity and grace changed our behavior? Changed our views? About life? About death?

Are we more grateful for our blessings? Are we more appreciative about life? Do we LIVE more fully? Are we more loving to our families and beyond? Can we be in the present where there may be nothing to fear? Can we heal? Is there hope? Have we become more compassionate to those in need, of a hug or a hand? We are all in this together while we are alive....and even thereafter.

Has our perspective on death changed? As humans, when faced with death of a loved one, we can sink into an abyss. That is sometimes the only place to go at first. But what lifts us from sinking further? From the quicksand of pain into which we can be disappear? It is love. It is hope. It is faith. It is a connection to those who have left us here. It is knowing that a Soul never dies. It is having faith that maybe, just maybe there is more than here. It is knowing that the horror or pain that the loved one had to endure is now over. That they are at peace. That they never have to live the horror or pain again...if that was the nature of their death. Yet, for all who die.....and each of us will....we leave the physical realm that we know as life. They are just a breath, a heartbeat away.....and oh so close. Believing this possiblity is a steppingstone to knowing this, to connecting to a loved one who has passed on.....and to taking the trauma out of the grief.

Unexpected and tragic loss is tremendously challenging. People face this throughout the world, loved ones killed daily in war, in violence and in accidents. Yet, most of these deaths are far from the press and from the eyes and ears of the public. So, when you say a prayer for those who died because of 9-11, add in a spark of recognition for those who also left this world...and their loved ones...without our knowing about them. They share the infinity of eternity.

What's BEYOND THE WAND?.....After the Epic of Harry Potter

I am not sure where my son Josh was in Harry Potter's journey when it ended for him. I do know he was enraptured with the tale. Josh was struck by a car and killed at age 15 in 2002. Yet he left a profound legacy about living life fully and about facing death, in many ways parallel to Harry's legacy.

As the Harry Potter epic comes to a close with the soon to be released last film, for those of us who were enraptured by Harry and Co.....and even for those who were not engaged in the magic....you have to wonder, WHAT'S BEYOND THE WAND? Fortunately the tale of Harry Potter will continue its magic for mere muggles for a long time to come. J. K. Rowling bestowed a gift upon the world, a treasure of insights about the journey we call life.

So, what is BEYOND THE WAND? It ALL comes down to one word. Yet, each of must find what is most important to us in this world and likely in any world.

In this light, I thought it timely to share an excerpt of Beyond the Wand, a chapter from my forthcoming book, Rising in the Mourning: Embracing Life from Loss.

BEYOND THE WAND
…An Excerpt…

Author’s Note: July 31, 2007. I knew I had to wait until I completed Harry, until I reached the end of the epic. And so I did. My son Josh never had the opportunity to complete Harry’s journey. I can’t recall where he left off when he left us. Yet, I carried him with me to the end. And now I carry you with me as I continue my tale….

As I completed the epic of seven books, tears streamed down the skin of my checks. I felt loss alongside peace. Even happy endings are often coupled with grief.

While Josh never got to read the last of the Harry Potter epic, in some ways he lived it. Death was always at his door were he to have eaten a peanut, a nut or a shrimp. He needed a wand to curtail the opening of death’s door, an earthly wand in the form of an Epi Pen……its magic keeping him in our midst seven times.

Like Harry, Josh knew that death was a looming possibility. Without protection it could become a reality. Did his near encounters with death bring him more fully into life? Looking back, I know they did. Harry had the opportunity to contemplate and even savor life when its end seemed imminent. Josh’s final encroachment upon death gave no warnings the last time it came. There was no wand to save him from the car that struck him….so improbable an occurrence on a suburban sidewalk on a Sunday afternoon.

So, what would Josh have thought had he been here for more of Harry’s journey? What would he wish to convey to us now? Would he reflect on a story within Harry’s story about how humans are frightened of death? Is it leaving and losing those we love that frightens us most? Courageously, Josh fought fear in the face, triumphantly obliterating all but vigilance in his quest to become the master of his world. Like Harry, “his will to live had always been so much stronger than his fear of death.”

Must we experience near death through accident or illness to heighten our appreciation of our own beating hearts, as well as those of our fellows? Faced with dying, Harry contemplates: “Why had he never appreciated what a miracle he was, brain and nerve and bounding heart? It would all be gone….or at least, he would be gone from it.” Aside from our own brush with death, must we walk on the edge to embrace life with gentility, compassion and that most sought after emotion, love? Is there not a way to enrich our lives without having to meet, or even to fear, the shadow of death?

“Death was impatient.” J. K. wrote. Death can wait. Life is what is before you now. Are you breathing? Is your heart beating? Why let your mind hold you hostage from life and put you in the room of death’s contemplation? Harry’s deceased mentor, Dumbledore, tells him that “there are far, far worse things in the living world than dying.” Just read the newspaper or watch the news to get confirmation…..and find all the more reason to concentrate on the good things life has to offer.

In the end, Dumbledore goes on to tell Harry something Josh has taught me, “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” And so it is with heartfelt gratitude that I thank J. K. Rowling and Harry for connecting me to a magical world Josh loved and for confirmation of what is most important in any world…..love. Embracing love is the challenge that awaits each of us beyond the wand.

*All quotes are from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling.

© 2011. Nancy H. Rothstein

Today is a Beginning and Tomorrow Will Be Too….

”What is my password for my Blog?” Having to ask myself this question was indicative of my less than prolific dedication to posting on www.navigatewithnancy.com. Here I am today, with a commitment to a new beginning to invite you to navigate with me along life’s amazing journey. Many of my past entries, albeit select and few, have been connected to Josh, my son who was tragically killed 8 ½ years ago. So it is fitting that I write this post on April 15 to honor his birthday which arrives tomorrow. Sitting now on a runway with flight delays to return home gave me the perfect time to devote to my intended blog post for tomorrow. For the past 9 of Josh’s birthdays for which he was not physically present, the anticipation of April 16 arriving filled me with a sadness and sense of melancholy. I presumed that the primordial pull in my mothering heart would be an annual, perpetual experience….which I accepted as inevitable. Josh’s birthday would appear each year, a number without a birthday boy to blow out the candles or open an anticipated present. Yet, here I am surprised. These past weeks and days I have not felt the anticipated tug at my heart that I had come to expect each April. Why? What changed? How have I changed? I am in the midst of a transformation. Hence, I cannot yet fully describe the picture, but I can identify its genesis and where I am NOW….. It was the beginning of April when it occurred to me that I would honor Josh as his birthday approached by dedicating attention to him through recollecting fond memories, particularly focused on memories that were not in the bundle that tend to surface most frequently. Yet, as I began to do this, as if to Google memories from the 15 ½ years of Josh archives, I found it very awkward. I am not one to spend a lot of my thought time in the past – about anyone, alive or dead, or anything, experience or otherwise. So forcing myself, despite my loving and heartfelt intention to honor Josh, proved unnatural. And then, days or even weeks ago, I received a message….very clear in my awareness….from Josh. “Mom, I am RIGHT HERE. You can spend time with me NOW. There’s no need to go back to the past to bring me to your present.” And that IS THE PRESENT….Josh’s birthday gift to me. And as I write now, I realize all the more that I will not reach anyone or anything by going to the past. And now, once again, the crystal clear communication from my precious son brings me RIGHT WHERE I NEED TO BE – NOW. In this moment. Present in the present. Amazing it is that a darling boy who died on October 7, 2002 at age 15 ½ brings me smack dab to where EVERYTHING IS. Here. Right NOW! This is not the first time Josh has tapped at the window of my heart and reached the clarity of my mind to suggest that the past was not the most productive place for me to be to achieve my goal or best serve my intention. Last summer as I struggled to complete the manuscript for my forthcoming book, Rising in the Mourning: A Journey from Loss to Life, I was walking along the lakefront and spoke with Josh about how emotionally difficult it was for me to write the remaining chapters. I was sad. I was stuck. Reliving the anguish of Josh’s death and its aftermath was draining, especially writing about my daughters’ responses to Josh’s death. It was sad and painful to relive what they had to live through. And I was writing about them from my perspective. So, I was relieved and grateful to get their feedback after they read their respective chapters and told me that I had really captured their feelings and experience. For me this was further confirmation of the deep, deep connection of a mother to her children, as well as a testament to the power of love. And Josh, while no longer here on Earth, was about to reinforce just how close a mother is, eternally, to her child. Up until this point, the writing of the book was relatively easy and cathartic. It kept me connected to Josh and to my feelings, as well as sensitive to the experience of others and how I could share my story to help them navigate the challenges of loss and to rise to life. But I had arrived at a relative standstill. And then, in the Light of the day and the breeze of the wind, with the lake at my side, Josh conveyed to me this remarkable, life altering message: “Mom, you don’t have to relive the past. You have already lived it. You only need to OBSERVE it.” And there it was for me, clear as crystal. I NEVER had to live through Josh’s death again. I had already been through the anguish and the pain. He was giving me a Truth that was transformational. While I knew this already and lived/live in the present most of the time, in order to complete my book about my journey with and following Josh’s death, I had to go back in order to document my experiences. Somehow, at that point in the process, I had become vulnerably wrapped up in the past as if I were once again PRESENT there. And with Josh’s message, my perspective and my actions and my FEELINGS were transformed. Over the ensuing weeks, I completed the remaining 5 or 6 chapters with flow and peace. I learned that I could tap the past while present in the present. Today is yesterday’s tomorrow. Tomorrow will be today when I type this post of my Blog to honor Josh on his 24th birthday, but who is counting……Now all that matters is NOW, a new beginning. © 2011. Nancy H. Rothstein

Vigil of Comfort 10-7-10

I’m keeping Josh’s Yahrzeit candle company…..as much as it is keeping me company and giving me comfort…..A burning flame to honor a life and a death. 24 hours of Light, lit at sundown on the evening before the date of death. Lit a few hours after the time at which Josh’s light of life was tragically struck on October 6, 2002. His embers flickered through a night, along with his heartbeat….all drifting towards a passage through death and into a new Light where a heartbeat and breath were no longer required.

I’m sitting with this flame, symbolic it is. And yet, I sit with it so it is not alone. And in some way so I am not alone. I’ve brought pictures of Josh to this vigil. A favorite: his arms tossed affectionately over Natalie’s shoulders. His eyes covered by cool shades but his expression clearly expressing his loving protection for his younger sister. She wears a smile reflecting the profound joy of having the embrace, the love and the security of her brother and their bond. Months later he will be gone from her world, his embrace becoming a fleeting memory yet yearned for with every cell in her 11 year old body and ever since.

Another photo I selected to join me at my vigil: Josh age 5 or 6 and Caroline 8 or 9. Professional photographer Joel’s white pedestal prop upon which Caroline and Josh’s hands are placed, their heads close and their smiles electric with joy and their bond obvious. I loved family photo sessions, a time to focus on creating family memories….ones that would become all the more precious. This series, this photo, evokes particular recollection. For on the morning of the scheduled photo shoot, Josh (circa age 5 or so) decided that cutting his hair would be fun! I remember vividly the shock that struck me upon seeing the uneven line of his bangs- like a pumpkin with missing front teeth, a jagged line of dark, shiny brown hair against the light skin tone of his forehead. Aghast at first when I realized it was photo day, I laughed and said, “Well, we’ll always remember how Josh cut his hair that day!” And now, once again, the evidence has perpetuated Josh’s experiment ever since. And I will forever remember Josh’s thick, healthy, thick, dark brown, lush head of hair.

And also joining me is the photo where his gorgeous locks are covered by a baseball cap. I’m observing this photo. The last one taken of Josh alone. We were in Philadelphia 2 weeks to the day before he was struck by a car and killed. This is the photo that 850 mourners received at Josh’s funeral and in the months that followed. This is the photo where Josh’s expression draws you into his inner Being, or so I have been told. This is the photo that almost speaks to you, as I have been told, that captures your attention and “says” profound and simple things to the observer…..as if beckoning them to embrace LIFE and peace. As if Josh is drawing you in to LIFE and dissolving the reminder that he is dead. Though for me, the Adidas cap he is wearing is a reminder that Josh is dead, that his body is dead. That was buried in this hat. And that his gorgeous hair had been shaved for the heroic brain surgery to halt the excessive cerebral bleeding after the accident.

As his coffin sat open for us to visit with Josh at the funeral home the afternoon before his funeral, on 10-10-02, we placed letters and symbolic mementos alongside and on top of Josh. Natalie, or was it me, gently lifted the cap from his head in his coffin exposing the long sewn up incision that we had not seen in the hospital as he lay dying. A turban of bandages covered his head then. Seeing his hair gone, the thick lush and living hair I had run my fingers through in the ER, jolted me into the reality that Josh was not alive. He no longer needed his hair nor his body. I knew Josh was no longer in his body. His spirit had exited his physical form. Yet he was powerfully present in the room at the funeral home, sitting vigil over himself as I sit vigil now over the candle that flickers for his memory. This light will soon extinguish. Yet, I promise you, Josh’s Light will be ignited eternally.

Note: VIGIL- a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch or pray. A Yahrzeit candle is intended to burn for 24 hours. Yet this one kept aflame for hours thereafter. I sat there, in its midst, awaiting its last spark. Sleep beckoned and I knew I could leave it and gently say goodnight. I took Josh with me to my dreams. I am not sure when its wax was finally depleted. My vigil ended as my love and connection to Josh burned vibrantly through the night into the day….a perpetual cycle.

Amazing Cells: Listening and Learning

As I lay in Savasana (corpse pose) after completing my morning yoga this morning, I was practicing putting my attention on the sensations in my body. A slight irritation in my abdominal area took precedence. Breathing slowly, I noticed that the discomfort was dissipating. And as a metaphor for life in general, my mind began to demand that my attention flow elsewhere…saying, “Do you feel that tightness in your chest? Time to put your attention there.” My mind once again trying to take over. I have been practicing putting my mind into my heart, effectively giving my mind a break and my body the attention it so deserves….and respecting the signals my body so beautifully expresses.

And then I had my “Ah Ha” moment…..My body knows what it needs, where attention needs to flow. The cells in my body do not vie with one another for attention. The attention goes where the need is and the flow of the workings of my amazing body goes on and on functioning, repairing, moving and resting. The cells in my body are in harmony, doing their job and making the whole operate as best it can. So, why can’t the cells of society, in other words- the people in a society- function like the cells of our body….IN HARMONY, giving attention to where it needs to go? From the individual (certainly myself included!) and expanding to the family, to communities and to the world, we vie for attention at the expense of the good of the whole, from ourselves to our societies. We have forgotten how to just BE, how to respect the FLOW of life and how to focus on the matter at hand without being pulled in a zillion directions at once.

As soon as my head tried to take over, driving attention from my abdomen to my chest, the natural workings of my body…of its cells…were being asked to switch gear. My abdominal area was speaking to me, asking for its due attention. My chest could wait. I am becoming more aware of how the FEELINGS in my body are to be trusted, not to be interrupted by the thoughts in my mind that suggest another path…..that just may need to wait its turn.

I am learning. I am practicing. I am taking time to observe the feelings in my body and giving them the attention they so deserve. I am noticing that these feelings have corresponding correlates to my life…..What is going on in my life, both good and challenging. What I am concerned or fearful about. What I am resisting. What I need to let go of. And the list goes on. My cells are speaking to me and I must choose to listen to, to observe, what they have to say…..best from my heart and not from my head.

Wherever You Go, Are You Really There?

Today at the beach I observed a young girl, 11ish, as she stood with her sequin studded cell phone. Glittering pink and silver, her one hand held it firm as she bent down to push sand with her free hand into the bucket with which her little brother was playing. Standing up once again, she walked into the water, her fingers maneuvering her phone, data likely scrolling across her screen. I suspect she didn’t want to miss a message from a friend. Maybe the friend was afar, or maybe her friend was just steps away on the sand as she texted her to come and join her in the water.

One thing was certain. She wasn’t really here at the beach.

Aware that my cell phone sat inches away in my backpack, I wondered why I didn’t leave it at home. I came to the beach with my daughter Natalie, looking forward to spending time together. My elder daughter was in New York with her boyfriend and his family. So who did I need to talk with from here to where they were at this moment? With the anticipation of talking to someone afar, could I really BE here at the beach? I had longed for this excursion all morning, all week in fact. My desire was now a reality. But was I really in the moment at the beach?

There is truth in the title of the book by Jon Kabat-Zinn, “Wherever You Go, There You Are.” But if you are gripping your cell phone anticipating the next call or text, are you really there when you get wherever you go?

The water beckoned. I turned off my phone.

Sleep Tips: Breathe Your Way to Sleep and Other Suggestions for Slumber

As The Sleep Ambassador™ (www.thesleepambassador.com), I am exposed to a wide array of sleep solutions. However, sometimes the simplest methods are the most effective. One caveat: If you have symptoms which might suggest a sleep disorder, be sure to check with your physician to determine if a sleep study or other evaluation is necessary. So, without a long dissertation about how to fall asleep, I have a few tips which can be very effective for easing into slumber:
Breathing- You are breathing anyway, so put your ATTENTION on the flow of the breath IN and the breath OUT. Don’t force the flow, just let it be natural. If you are really doing this and are focused on your breath, you will begin to relax. As a next step, be AWARE of the SPACE BETWEEN the breath in and the breath out. Don’t hold your breath, just be aware that the space exists. This as PRESENT as you can be and will help to settle your senses as you drift off to sleep. Bye the way, this technique is helpful in stressful situations as well.
Child’s Pose- I have found that getting into the yoga position known as “child’s pose” on top of my linens before getting under the covers is VERY calming and soothing before going to sleep. How long? A few moments or whatever feels good. When I do this, I can feel my whole body…and mind….begin to settle.

So, start simple and see what happens. The last thing we all need before bed is another complicated routine! And speaking of routines, there is a wealth of information on sleep tips (aka sleep hygiene) on various web sites.