Vigil of Comfort 10-7-10

I’m keeping Josh’s Yahrzeit candle company…..as much as it is keeping me company and giving me comfort…..A burning flame to honor a life and a death. 24 hours of Light, lit at sundown on the evening before the date of death. Lit a few hours after the time at which Josh’s light of life was tragically struck on October 6, 2002. His embers flickered through a night, along with his heartbeat….all drifting towards a passage through death and into a new Light where a heartbeat and breath were no longer required.

I’m sitting with this flame, symbolic it is. And yet, I sit with it so it is not alone. And in some way so I am not alone. I’ve brought pictures of Josh to this vigil. A favorite: his arms tossed affectionately over Natalie’s shoulders. His eyes covered by cool shades but his expression clearly expressing his loving protection for his younger sister. She wears a smile reflecting the profound joy of having the embrace, the love and the security of her brother and their bond. Months later he will be gone from her world, his embrace becoming a fleeting memory yet yearned for with every cell in her 11 year old body and ever since.

Another photo I selected to join me at my vigil: Josh age 5 or 6 and Caroline 8 or 9. Professional photographer Joel’s white pedestal prop upon which Caroline and Josh’s hands are placed, their heads close and their smiles electric with joy and their bond obvious. I loved family photo sessions, a time to focus on creating family memories….ones that would become all the more precious. This series, this photo, evokes particular recollection. For on the morning of the scheduled photo shoot, Josh (circa age 5 or so) decided that cutting his hair would be fun! I remember vividly the shock that struck me upon seeing the uneven line of his bangs- like a pumpkin with missing front teeth, a jagged line of dark, shiny brown hair against the light skin tone of his forehead. Aghast at first when I realized it was photo day, I laughed and said, “Well, we’ll always remember how Josh cut his hair that day!” And now, once again, the evidence has perpetuated Josh’s experiment ever since. And I will forever remember Josh’s thick, healthy, thick, dark brown, lush head of hair.

And also joining me is the photo where his gorgeous locks are covered by a baseball cap. I’m observing this photo. The last one taken of Josh alone. We were in Philadelphia 2 weeks to the day before he was struck by a car and killed. This is the photo that 850 mourners received at Josh’s funeral and in the months that followed. This is the photo where Josh’s expression draws you into his inner Being, or so I have been told. This is the photo that almost speaks to you, as I have been told, that captures your attention and “says” profound and simple things to the observer…..as if beckoning them to embrace LIFE and peace. As if Josh is drawing you in to LIFE and dissolving the reminder that he is dead. Though for me, the Adidas cap he is wearing is a reminder that Josh is dead, that his body is dead. That was buried in this hat. And that his gorgeous hair had been shaved for the heroic brain surgery to halt the excessive cerebral bleeding after the accident.

As his coffin sat open for us to visit with Josh at the funeral home the afternoon before his funeral, on 10-10-02, we placed letters and symbolic mementos alongside and on top of Josh. Natalie, or was it me, gently lifted the cap from his head in his coffin exposing the long sewn up incision that we had not seen in the hospital as he lay dying. A turban of bandages covered his head then. Seeing his hair gone, the thick lush and living hair I had run my fingers through in the ER, jolted me into the reality that Josh was not alive. He no longer needed his hair nor his body. I knew Josh was no longer in his body. His spirit had exited his physical form. Yet he was powerfully present in the room at the funeral home, sitting vigil over himself as I sit vigil now over the candle that flickers for his memory. This light will soon extinguish. Yet, I promise you, Josh’s Light will be ignited eternally.

Note: VIGIL- a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch or pray. A Yahrzeit candle is intended to burn for 24 hours. Yet this one kept aflame for hours thereafter. I sat there, in its midst, awaiting its last spark. Sleep beckoned and I knew I could leave it and gently say goodnight. I took Josh with me to my dreams. I am not sure when its wax was finally depleted. My vigil ended as my love and connection to Josh burned vibrantly through the night into the day….a perpetual cycle.

Amazing Cells: Listening and Learning

As I lay in Savasana (corpse pose) after completing my morning yoga this morning, I was practicing putting my attention on the sensations in my body. A slight irritation in my abdominal area took precedence. Breathing slowly, I noticed that the discomfort was dissipating. And as a metaphor for life in general, my mind began to demand that my attention flow elsewhere…saying, “Do you feel that tightness in your chest? Time to put your attention there.” My mind once again trying to take over. I have been practicing putting my mind into my heart, effectively giving my mind a break and my body the attention it so deserves….and respecting the signals my body so beautifully expresses.

And then I had my “Ah Ha” moment…..My body knows what it needs, where attention needs to flow. The cells in my body do not vie with one another for attention. The attention goes where the need is and the flow of the workings of my amazing body goes on and on functioning, repairing, moving and resting. The cells in my body are in harmony, doing their job and making the whole operate as best it can. So, why can’t the cells of society, in other words- the people in a society- function like the cells of our body….IN HARMONY, giving attention to where it needs to go? From the individual (certainly myself included!) and expanding to the family, to communities and to the world, we vie for attention at the expense of the good of the whole, from ourselves to our societies. We have forgotten how to just BE, how to respect the FLOW of life and how to focus on the matter at hand without being pulled in a zillion directions at once.

As soon as my head tried to take over, driving attention from my abdomen to my chest, the natural workings of my body…of its cells…were being asked to switch gear. My abdominal area was speaking to me, asking for its due attention. My chest could wait. I am becoming more aware of how the FEELINGS in my body are to be trusted, not to be interrupted by the thoughts in my mind that suggest another path…..that just may need to wait its turn.

I am learning. I am practicing. I am taking time to observe the feelings in my body and giving them the attention they so deserve. I am noticing that these feelings have corresponding correlates to my life…..What is going on in my life, both good and challenging. What I am concerned or fearful about. What I am resisting. What I need to let go of. And the list goes on. My cells are speaking to me and I must choose to listen to, to observe, what they have to say…..best from my heart and not from my head.

Wherever You Go, Are You Really There?

Today at the beach I observed a young girl, 11ish, as she stood with her sequin studded cell phone. Glittering pink and silver, her one hand held it firm as she bent down to push sand with her free hand into the bucket with which her little brother was playing. Standing up once again, she walked into the water, her fingers maneuvering her phone, data likely scrolling across her screen. I suspect she didn’t want to miss a message from a friend. Maybe the friend was afar, or maybe her friend was just steps away on the sand as she texted her to come and join her in the water.

One thing was certain. She wasn’t really here at the beach.

Aware that my cell phone sat inches away in my backpack, I wondered why I didn’t leave it at home. I came to the beach with my daughter Natalie, looking forward to spending time together. My elder daughter was in New York with her boyfriend and his family. So who did I need to talk with from here to where they were at this moment? With the anticipation of talking to someone afar, could I really BE here at the beach? I had longed for this excursion all morning, all week in fact. My desire was now a reality. But was I really in the moment at the beach?

There is truth in the title of the book by Jon Kabat-Zinn, “Wherever You Go, There You Are.” But if you are gripping your cell phone anticipating the next call or text, are you really there when you get wherever you go?

The water beckoned. I turned off my phone.

Sleep Tips: Breathe Your Way to Sleep and Other Suggestions for Slumber

As The Sleep Ambassador™ (www.thesleepambassador.com), I am exposed to a wide array of sleep solutions. However, sometimes the simplest methods are the most effective. One caveat: If you have symptoms which might suggest a sleep disorder, be sure to check with your physician to determine if a sleep study or other evaluation is necessary. So, without a long dissertation about how to fall asleep, I have a few tips which can be very effective for easing into slumber:
Breathing- You are breathing anyway, so put your ATTENTION on the flow of the breath IN and the breath OUT. Don’t force the flow, just let it be natural. If you are really doing this and are focused on your breath, you will begin to relax. As a next step, be AWARE of the SPACE BETWEEN the breath in and the breath out. Don’t hold your breath, just be aware that the space exists. This as PRESENT as you can be and will help to settle your senses as you drift off to sleep. Bye the way, this technique is helpful in stressful situations as well.
Child’s Pose- I have found that getting into the yoga position known as “child’s pose” on top of my linens before getting under the covers is VERY calming and soothing before going to sleep. How long? A few moments or whatever feels good. When I do this, I can feel my whole body…and mind….begin to settle.

So, start simple and see what happens. The last thing we all need before bed is another complicated routine! And speaking of routines, there is a wealth of information on sleep tips (aka sleep hygiene) on various web sites.

Am I Celebrating?

It has been 6 years since Josh first communicated 17 Ways to Celebrate Life and I shared it as his birthday tribute. Each year thereafter, up until his 21st, Josh added a new way to celebrate life. (See the April 15, 2009 post below for 21 Ways to Celebrate Life.) Now, as another birthday…Josh’s 23rd …approaches, I remain committed to embracing life while it is mine, to being grateful for my many blessings and to be inspired by Josh. Along the way, there are moments of self reflection. One such moment came recently when thinking about Josh’s 21 Ways to Celebrate Life. I was struck with a question, “AM I CELEBRATING?” Until that instant I had not entertained this question. DOING any of Josh’s 21 ways is an act of honoring him but am I really CELEBRATING?

The answer was quickly apparent, catching me at the very essence of what I KNOW but do not always DO. By way of example, I selected one of the 21 Ways to Celebrate Life, #3. Run on the beach. Well, I was walking on the beach the other day. But was I REALLY engaged in the activity? Was I IN THE MOMENT, each moment? No, I was thinking about something I had to do or had done, or somebody….and the thought stream was endless. The “aha” moment followed….

Celebrating can ONLY happen IN THE MOMENT. What’s the rush to the next moment? And if I am in the past or the future as I have an experience, I never really have it. Reminder to self: LIFE HAPPENS NOW. To fully engage in any activity, to be fully immersed, I have to be in the moment, I have to surrender to what I am doing, feeling or thinking. That is where the celebration is found. That is where the magic of the moment is. Not in the past and not where I will be in a minute or two or tomorrow….but WHERE I AM NOW, at this instant. And this instant will NEVER come again. It is unique. Why would I want to miss it? And if it's not a happy moment or one of pleasure, the only way out of it is to go through it anyway. Knowing this motivates me to honor the now.

Another revelation came to me as well. The past happened and will not be repeated. Everything I already experienced was/is there, including Josh’s life. And Josh will not be physically in my future. But I can and do meet him IN THE NOW….when my awareness is fully in the moment. Maybe lately Josh has been coming to me in my dreams because I am not busy there. He can catch my attention in my dreams. And when he does, often very vividly, he talks to me and his expressions speak volumes. When awake, my mind is often active about the past and anticipating the future. At such times, I am missing the now…..until I catch myself and embrace the moment.

I must practice celebrating life consciously. I have a trick that helps me accomplish this and it works every time. I become aware of my breathing, in and out. And then, I become aware of THE SPACE BETWEEN my breath in and my breath out. I don’t hold my breath, but am just aware of that space. That is THE most present I can be. That is where and when I AM IN THE NOW. And that is where the celebration begins!

So, to honor Josh’s birthday this year and to CELEBRATE my life, I am going to practice making being in the moment a habit. What was already happened and I was already there. What will be has not happened so I can’t be there yet... NOW is THE only place to BE….and where celebrating life is possible.