Vigil of Comfort 10-7-10

I’m keeping Josh’s Yahrzeit candle company…..as much as it is keeping me company and giving me comfort…..A burning flame to honor a life and a death. 24 hours of Light, lit at sundown on the evening before the date of death. Lit a few hours after the time at which Josh’s light of life was tragically struck on October 6, 2002. His embers flickered through a night, along with his heartbeat….all drifting towards a passage through death and into a new Light where a heartbeat and breath were no longer required.

I’m sitting with this flame, symbolic it is. And yet, I sit with it so it is not alone. And in some way so I am not alone. I’ve brought pictures of Josh to this vigil. A favorite: his arms tossed affectionately over Natalie’s shoulders. His eyes covered by cool shades but his expression clearly expressing his loving protection for his younger sister. She wears a smile reflecting the profound joy of having the embrace, the love and the security of her brother and their bond. Months later he will be gone from her world, his embrace becoming a fleeting memory yet yearned for with every cell in her 11 year old body and ever since.

Another photo I selected to join me at my vigil: Josh age 5 or 6 and Caroline 8 or 9. Professional photographer Joel’s white pedestal prop upon which Caroline and Josh’s hands are placed, their heads close and their smiles electric with joy and their bond obvious. I loved family photo sessions, a time to focus on creating family memories….ones that would become all the more precious. This series, this photo, evokes particular recollection. For on the morning of the scheduled photo shoot, Josh (circa age 5 or so) decided that cutting his hair would be fun! I remember vividly the shock that struck me upon seeing the uneven line of his bangs- like a pumpkin with missing front teeth, a jagged line of dark, shiny brown hair against the light skin tone of his forehead. Aghast at first when I realized it was photo day, I laughed and said, “Well, we’ll always remember how Josh cut his hair that day!” And now, once again, the evidence has perpetuated Josh’s experiment ever since. And I will forever remember Josh’s thick, healthy, thick, dark brown, lush head of hair.

And also joining me is the photo where his gorgeous locks are covered by a baseball cap. I’m observing this photo. The last one taken of Josh alone. We were in Philadelphia 2 weeks to the day before he was struck by a car and killed. This is the photo that 850 mourners received at Josh’s funeral and in the months that followed. This is the photo where Josh’s expression draws you into his inner Being, or so I have been told. This is the photo that almost speaks to you, as I have been told, that captures your attention and “says” profound and simple things to the observer…..as if beckoning them to embrace LIFE and peace. As if Josh is drawing you in to LIFE and dissolving the reminder that he is dead. Though for me, the Adidas cap he is wearing is a reminder that Josh is dead, that his body is dead. That was buried in this hat. And that his gorgeous hair had been shaved for the heroic brain surgery to halt the excessive cerebral bleeding after the accident.

As his coffin sat open for us to visit with Josh at the funeral home the afternoon before his funeral, on 10-10-02, we placed letters and symbolic mementos alongside and on top of Josh. Natalie, or was it me, gently lifted the cap from his head in his coffin exposing the long sewn up incision that we had not seen in the hospital as he lay dying. A turban of bandages covered his head then. Seeing his hair gone, the thick lush and living hair I had run my fingers through in the ER, jolted me into the reality that Josh was not alive. He no longer needed his hair nor his body. I knew Josh was no longer in his body. His spirit had exited his physical form. Yet he was powerfully present in the room at the funeral home, sitting vigil over himself as I sit vigil now over the candle that flickers for his memory. This light will soon extinguish. Yet, I promise you, Josh’s Light will be ignited eternally.

Note: VIGIL- a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch or pray. A Yahrzeit candle is intended to burn for 24 hours. Yet this one kept aflame for hours thereafter. I sat there, in its midst, awaiting its last spark. Sleep beckoned and I knew I could leave it and gently say goodnight. I took Josh with me to my dreams. I am not sure when its wax was finally depleted. My vigil ended as my love and connection to Josh burned vibrantly through the night into the day….a perpetual cycle.