Just Sit with It- A Haiku

In Memory of Joshua Aaron Rothstein
April 16, 1987 - October 7, 2002

Just Sit with It - A Haiku

Be withIN the Light
Fueled by Love's sweet vibration
Bridge Here and BEyond

Markers in our Memory..Lessons from 9-11

As the 10th anniversary of 9-11 approaches, the memories and sense of loss reverberate in America, and around the world. Each year since those horrid acts of terror, we remember. But somehow in years like the 5th, the 10th and in those multiples to come, there is a heightened tendency to explore the past and examine the path experienced by those most affected. We could not have had the same perspective about "the children of 9-11" just a few years after the tragedy in which parents were lost to the rubble and lives were forever changed. But with the passage of time, stories evolve and interest is sparked to learn from those who have suffered, survived and in so many cases thrived against all odds. Certainly those who have transformed adversity into meaningful ways to honor loved ones who died have inspired us with their courage to endure.

For those of us who observed 9-11 and the anguish of others....albeit overcome as well with a sense of communal grief...what have we learned over these past 10 years? Has our observation of acts of terror and the example set by survivors, heroes who risked their lives to save others and the families who have marched forward with dignity and grace changed our behavior? Changed our views? About life? About death?

Are we more grateful for our blessings? Are we more appreciative about life? Do we LIVE more fully? Are we more loving to our families and beyond? Can we be in the present where there may be nothing to fear? Can we heal? Is there hope? Have we become more compassionate to those in need, of a hug or a hand? We are all in this together while we are alive....and even thereafter.

Has our perspective on death changed? As humans, when faced with death of a loved one, we can sink into an abyss. That is sometimes the only place to go at first. But what lifts us from sinking further? From the quicksand of pain into which we can be disappear? It is love. It is hope. It is faith. It is a connection to those who have left us here. It is knowing that a Soul never dies. It is having faith that maybe, just maybe there is more than here. It is knowing that the horror or pain that the loved one had to endure is now over. That they are at peace. That they never have to live the horror or pain again...if that was the nature of their death. Yet, for all who die.....and each of us will....we leave the physical realm that we know as life. They are just a breath, a heartbeat away.....and oh so close. Believing this possiblity is a steppingstone to knowing this, to connecting to a loved one who has passed on.....and to taking the trauma out of the grief.

Unexpected and tragic loss is tremendously challenging. People face this throughout the world, loved ones killed daily in war, in violence and in accidents. Yet, most of these deaths are far from the press and from the eyes and ears of the public. So, when you say a prayer for those who died because of 9-11, add in a spark of recognition for those who also left this world...and their loved ones...without our knowing about them. They share the infinity of eternity.

What's BEYOND THE WAND?.....After the Epic of Harry Potter

I am not sure where my son Josh was in Harry Potter's journey when it ended for him. I do know he was enraptured with the tale. Josh was struck by a car and killed at age 15 in 2002. Yet he left a profound legacy about living life fully and about facing death, in many ways parallel to Harry's legacy.

As the Harry Potter epic comes to a close with the soon to be released last film, for those of us who were enraptured by Harry and Co.....and even for those who were not engaged in the magic....you have to wonder, WHAT'S BEYOND THE WAND? Fortunately the tale of Harry Potter will continue its magic for mere muggles for a long time to come. J. K. Rowling bestowed a gift upon the world, a treasure of insights about the journey we call life.

So, what is BEYOND THE WAND? It ALL comes down to one word. Yet, each of must find what is most important to us in this world and likely in any world.

In this light, I thought it timely to share an excerpt of Beyond the Wand, a chapter from my forthcoming book, Rising in the Mourning: Embracing Life from Loss.

BEYOND THE WAND
…An Excerpt…

Author’s Note: July 31, 2007. I knew I had to wait until I completed Harry, until I reached the end of the epic. And so I did. My son Josh never had the opportunity to complete Harry’s journey. I can’t recall where he left off when he left us. Yet, I carried him with me to the end. And now I carry you with me as I continue my tale….

As I completed the epic of seven books, tears streamed down the skin of my checks. I felt loss alongside peace. Even happy endings are often coupled with grief.

While Josh never got to read the last of the Harry Potter epic, in some ways he lived it. Death was always at his door were he to have eaten a peanut, a nut or a shrimp. He needed a wand to curtail the opening of death’s door, an earthly wand in the form of an Epi Pen……its magic keeping him in our midst seven times.

Like Harry, Josh knew that death was a looming possibility. Without protection it could become a reality. Did his near encounters with death bring him more fully into life? Looking back, I know they did. Harry had the opportunity to contemplate and even savor life when its end seemed imminent. Josh’s final encroachment upon death gave no warnings the last time it came. There was no wand to save him from the car that struck him….so improbable an occurrence on a suburban sidewalk on a Sunday afternoon.

So, what would Josh have thought had he been here for more of Harry’s journey? What would he wish to convey to us now? Would he reflect on a story within Harry’s story about how humans are frightened of death? Is it leaving and losing those we love that frightens us most? Courageously, Josh fought fear in the face, triumphantly obliterating all but vigilance in his quest to become the master of his world. Like Harry, “his will to live had always been so much stronger than his fear of death.”

Must we experience near death through accident or illness to heighten our appreciation of our own beating hearts, as well as those of our fellows? Faced with dying, Harry contemplates: “Why had he never appreciated what a miracle he was, brain and nerve and bounding heart? It would all be gone….or at least, he would be gone from it.” Aside from our own brush with death, must we walk on the edge to embrace life with gentility, compassion and that most sought after emotion, love? Is there not a way to enrich our lives without having to meet, or even to fear, the shadow of death?

“Death was impatient.” J. K. wrote. Death can wait. Life is what is before you now. Are you breathing? Is your heart beating? Why let your mind hold you hostage from life and put you in the room of death’s contemplation? Harry’s deceased mentor, Dumbledore, tells him that “there are far, far worse things in the living world than dying.” Just read the newspaper or watch the news to get confirmation…..and find all the more reason to concentrate on the good things life has to offer.

In the end, Dumbledore goes on to tell Harry something Josh has taught me, “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” And so it is with heartfelt gratitude that I thank J. K. Rowling and Harry for connecting me to a magical world Josh loved and for confirmation of what is most important in any world…..love. Embracing love is the challenge that awaits each of us beyond the wand.

*All quotes are from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling.

© 2011. Nancy H. Rothstein

Today is a Beginning and Tomorrow Will Be Too….

”What is my password for my Blog?” Having to ask myself this question was indicative of my less than prolific dedication to posting on www.navigatewithnancy.com. Here I am today, with a commitment to a new beginning to invite you to navigate with me along life’s amazing journey. Many of my past entries, albeit select and few, have been connected to Josh, my son who was tragically killed 8 ½ years ago. So it is fitting that I write this post on April 15 to honor his birthday which arrives tomorrow. Sitting now on a runway with flight delays to return home gave me the perfect time to devote to my intended blog post for tomorrow. For the past 9 of Josh’s birthdays for which he was not physically present, the anticipation of April 16 arriving filled me with a sadness and sense of melancholy. I presumed that the primordial pull in my mothering heart would be an annual, perpetual experience….which I accepted as inevitable. Josh’s birthday would appear each year, a number without a birthday boy to blow out the candles or open an anticipated present. Yet, here I am surprised. These past weeks and days I have not felt the anticipated tug at my heart that I had come to expect each April. Why? What changed? How have I changed? I am in the midst of a transformation. Hence, I cannot yet fully describe the picture, but I can identify its genesis and where I am NOW….. It was the beginning of April when it occurred to me that I would honor Josh as his birthday approached by dedicating attention to him through recollecting fond memories, particularly focused on memories that were not in the bundle that tend to surface most frequently. Yet, as I began to do this, as if to Google memories from the 15 ½ years of Josh archives, I found it very awkward. I am not one to spend a lot of my thought time in the past – about anyone, alive or dead, or anything, experience or otherwise. So forcing myself, despite my loving and heartfelt intention to honor Josh, proved unnatural. And then, days or even weeks ago, I received a message….very clear in my awareness….from Josh. “Mom, I am RIGHT HERE. You can spend time with me NOW. There’s no need to go back to the past to bring me to your present.” And that IS THE PRESENT….Josh’s birthday gift to me. And as I write now, I realize all the more that I will not reach anyone or anything by going to the past. And now, once again, the crystal clear communication from my precious son brings me RIGHT WHERE I NEED TO BE – NOW. In this moment. Present in the present. Amazing it is that a darling boy who died on October 7, 2002 at age 15 ½ brings me smack dab to where EVERYTHING IS. Here. Right NOW! This is not the first time Josh has tapped at the window of my heart and reached the clarity of my mind to suggest that the past was not the most productive place for me to be to achieve my goal or best serve my intention. Last summer as I struggled to complete the manuscript for my forthcoming book, Rising in the Mourning: A Journey from Loss to Life, I was walking along the lakefront and spoke with Josh about how emotionally difficult it was for me to write the remaining chapters. I was sad. I was stuck. Reliving the anguish of Josh’s death and its aftermath was draining, especially writing about my daughters’ responses to Josh’s death. It was sad and painful to relive what they had to live through. And I was writing about them from my perspective. So, I was relieved and grateful to get their feedback after they read their respective chapters and told me that I had really captured their feelings and experience. For me this was further confirmation of the deep, deep connection of a mother to her children, as well as a testament to the power of love. And Josh, while no longer here on Earth, was about to reinforce just how close a mother is, eternally, to her child. Up until this point, the writing of the book was relatively easy and cathartic. It kept me connected to Josh and to my feelings, as well as sensitive to the experience of others and how I could share my story to help them navigate the challenges of loss and to rise to life. But I had arrived at a relative standstill. And then, in the Light of the day and the breeze of the wind, with the lake at my side, Josh conveyed to me this remarkable, life altering message: “Mom, you don’t have to relive the past. You have already lived it. You only need to OBSERVE it.” And there it was for me, clear as crystal. I NEVER had to live through Josh’s death again. I had already been through the anguish and the pain. He was giving me a Truth that was transformational. While I knew this already and lived/live in the present most of the time, in order to complete my book about my journey with and following Josh’s death, I had to go back in order to document my experiences. Somehow, at that point in the process, I had become vulnerably wrapped up in the past as if I were once again PRESENT there. And with Josh’s message, my perspective and my actions and my FEELINGS were transformed. Over the ensuing weeks, I completed the remaining 5 or 6 chapters with flow and peace. I learned that I could tap the past while present in the present. Today is yesterday’s tomorrow. Tomorrow will be today when I type this post of my Blog to honor Josh on his 24th birthday, but who is counting……Now all that matters is NOW, a new beginning. © 2011. Nancy H. Rothstein