Forgiveness is For Giving

Today is the day of Yom Kippur, the High Holy Day for the Jewish people. This is a day seeped in prayer and a day that ends the Days of Awe, starting with Rosh Hashanah. This is a time during which Jews ask for forgiveness from G-d and during which we ask others whom we have harmed for forgiveness. This is a time of self reflection, for ourselves and extending to our family, community and beyond. Yet, no matter what religion captures your mind or your heart or your ancestry, every human will face the quest of forgiving, one of the most difficult demands on our souls. Forgiving ourselves may be the most demanding demand for our purification.

Last night we returned late from the Kol Nidre service. I was getting ready to go to bed, looking forward to saying prayers and expressing gratitude for life’s blessings. I have a number of books at my bedside, usually a few of which are books of prayer, meditation or inspiration. Instant Karma has sat on the night table. With 8,879 “ways to help yourself and others” and to “make the world a better place,” there is an abundance of one line sayings that are filled with wisdom. As I do with other such books, I randomly turn to a page and ALWAYS come upon what I need to hear or learn or reflect upon. With a list on each page in this book, I let my eyes or finger go to a random selection on the page. Then, I go to one or tow lines above and below the previous. Last night, my finger went to one line at the bottom of the page. The next line would take me to the following page. The line was “Stop arguing and start forgiving.” Amazed and moved, I turned off the lights. I knew there was a message for me to go deep into self reflection. Yet, the dive was quick and the message was clear.

At this eve…albeit it was past midnight, so the day was actually beginning…of Yom Kippur, forgiveness was central to my ponderings. At that moment, I had a flash of clarity. I almost giggled. “What keeps me from forgiving?” I asked myself. The answer was succinct and instant- a stubborn attachment to something that already happened IN THE PAST. That evening Rabbi Douglas Goldhamer had given a sermon about signs. How we must pay attention to the signs that G-d sends our way. The little, or not so little, voice inside of us that tells us to go a different route or to call someone. I like to think of these messages, often reminders that we are on the right path, like the breadcrumbs that led Hansel and Gretel along their way in the forest. And the Rabbi suggested firmly that we should write down these signs that come our way. I knew I would not remember the messages that had come to my brain at that moment, so I went and got my journal. Actually, a new journal, fitting for the beginning of the New Year. And I wrote….

So, why do I cling to it, carrying it into my PRESENT and likely into my future? How silly. Get it over with. For-give. GIVE FORGIVENESS. For it is in GIVING compassion and understanding (or not). Giving myself the gift of letting go. If the person whom I need to forgive does not care or respond in the way I desire, so be it. The forgiveness is really about honoring life and living fully in the NOW….and not being robbed of the present by garbage and grievances of the past.

“For I shall give forgiveness,” I wrote as I lay in bed. No argument about this. “Promise to self- I will pay attention to replacing arguing with forgiving.”

Today, after a night’s sleep, albeit not enough, and another soul searching, poignant sermon about paying attention amidst the hectic demands of our lives and living life with meaning…at another temple which we attend…I am all the more moved by my personal revelation. I know that my clarity of understanding and template for action will be hard to adhere to. Forgiving? The internal chatter will be sure to come: “But she is nasty to me. She never even gives me a call.” And the list goes on. Can I forgive? I have a new resolve, brought by such clarity and by the honoring of life that this day brings to my spirit. Though at times, our emotional baggage takes us hostage. Yet, if I go to my heart I will find the gateway to forgiving, and that is compassion….for both myself and for the person whom I will forgive.

En route home from services this morning, in the car with my introspective and quickly evolving daughter Caroline, we began to talk about the essence of Yom Kippur and forgiveness. And I said to her, “Forgiveness is for giving.” Forgive is for you to give. Then, I realized that I must first forgive my self. That forgiveness is a gift for you to give to your SELF. Having done so, I can forgive others with freedom and a purer heart. Now, if only I can inscribe this in my book of life for the next year and beyond, life will be all the sweeter.